Ok... so what does it mean?
Get home from a night of drinking, after a night of swearing off drinking, sleeping till 2 in the afternoon, waking in a heap of darkness, the rugs clouding any sunlight, and I dream of so much more, then diving into the unfathomable recesses of boredom, intermingling with those I don't care about, pretending I care, those I don't want to bother with. They are humans, and for that I applaud them. Yes, they feel the way I did, yes they are worthy of everything, yet I have nothing to give them, nothing to accord their trials, no advice to give them. I have no words of wisdom, save perhaps those precious moments of silence where perchance I might be able to impart that non-sensical portion of my psyche, the inanimate lion resting in me, the beast that quests forward, marauding every domain yet encapsulating none. The rock seeks to understand the stream flowing overhead, yet inevitably remains a rock. When asked "What do I stand for?" I have no reasonable answer, save for my work, which at the moment seems stunted by limitations of the most cosmic proportion.
I'm not complaining though.
I suppose we all seek the most effective methods of catharsis, and mine might be in fact a stew pot of amalgams, brought up on christianity, turned atheist- anarchist, decomposed into that grey spot of discontent, where nothing makes sense anymore, where the home you were raised in is no longer a place to feel at ease, where relationships feel more like dangling meat than real, tangible events, yes I dwell in a habitat befit for beings of the darkest order.

As I type, I feel more and more like a chimpanzee, less hair maybe, more encyclopedic knowledge, otherwise pretty much the same. Music fades in and out, a heavy organ droning left to right, Bobby Beausoleil- maestro behind Lucifer Rising, straight from prison, he fucking tears my heart out with this music, and I've maybe shared it with one or two people. What do I do with the rest of this energy? What I experience, what I love about the world, what do I do with that? Where does that energy go?